During our recovery we found that art provided us the means to express emotions in some very beneficial ways. Often, these emotions were quite severe, and they were difficult, sometimes impossible, to express in any other way at the time. Sometimes they were very powerful because they were directly associated with extremely traumatic events. Sometimes they were unmanageable because they had developed in such subtile ways that understanding why they were happening was virtually impossible; the precursors of the present day triggers causing our uncontrollable mood swings were all but invisible in the turbulence of our mind. The storm raging within us represented the struggles between alters; some were seeking truth, while others were trying to protect our system by concealing the truth until they thought that we were ready to hear and process it.
When we began to use art, we had only minimal appreciation for its great power as a projective device. We had studied projective psychological testing many years ago, and we loved the amazing ways those tests allowed us to look into another's mind. Somehow, though, we had discounted using art as a way to help understand someone, especially ourselves. Actually, we know exactly why we discounted it. As you may have read in other pages, we don't see well; we are legally blind. We were never taught anything about art during school or university, no art history, no discussion of techniques or media, no creative classes, nothing. Oh, in retrospect we know that these classes existed, but we didn't even think about them because we had learned our lessons well: we were legally blind, so why bother with something which required vision (that didn't seem to stop us when it came to geology), and only business and science really mattered anyway since anyone could tell you that no one makes a career of the arts (of course, there were also the mixed messages about music being "suitable" for blind people, but no one makes a career of it). We had been so well programmed that we literally never thought about doing anything with art; it was completely out of our thoughts. My, what a shame that was since we have learned both the enjoyment and the usefulness of art.
When we started at The Menninger Clinic after our breakdown, we felt totally adrift when art or craft classes were held. At that time, Menninger was able to use the milieu concept of treatment; they believed that patients recovered faster and more completely if their treatment included a variety of creative and recreational activities along with more focused individual and group therapy, psychoeducational classes, and time spent on planning for safety, relapse, and discharge. Milieu therapy also provides patients with a more balanced life, even while in the hospital, so that they can learn how to carry that balance to their lives when they return home. We knew little of balance in our lives, however; we thought about work, and school, and distractions from pain, and pleasing others, and hiding our secrets. That didn't leave any time for art activities, even had we been exposed to them.
At first we could not even try anything because we were ashamed; everyone else seemed to know all about arts and crafts and all the materials and techniques, but we didn't know the first thing about even the most simple projects. We often left the classes to go cry in our room. The ATs (Activity Therapists) knew we were having problems, and they tried to work with us. It took a very long time before we could start doing any of the activities with the other women. Finally, we began to do simple coloring with crayons, then colored pencils. That progressed to making engraved copper plate pictures. Eventually, one of our child alters, Little Ray, who was 4, decided to try chalk pastels, and we were really on our way! Everybody seemed to like something then: pastels, watercolor, acryllics, regulat and colored pencil, charcoal, making paper, tie-dying, simple knitting, and especially working in the clay studio and throwing on the wheel. All of this happened because we didn't ever give up completely, and because we had people who believed that we could do more than we thought we could, and who cared enough about us that they wanted to help us learn. Those Activity Therapists were vital to our recovery as they helped us take some of our first steps of truly independent thinking and action about what we were going to do and what our future was going to be.
We have a number of pieces which we will desplay here over time. Most still need to be scanned or photographed, but we will put them up as time permits. They are miracles not because of their artistic merit but because of their very existance, and we hope that all people can know the wonder of finding the beauty of creativity within themselves that they never believed could exist.
One final caution - Some of these can be triggering, so please continue only if you are feeling safe and secure, and leave if you start feeling triggered or unsafe.
These first two pieces were done by our alter Faye while we were getting some specialized treatment at Two Rivers Psychiatric Hospital on their Masters and Johnson Sexual Trauma Unit (now Trauma and Dissociative Disorders Program) during January 1998.
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